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Monday, March 29, 2004

Okay I know I haven't updated in forever. Long days and just not enough time to just sit down and write about the boring life I am living. Oh well, maybe you guys find it interesting.

On Thursday, if you didn't know, it was my birthday. My mom came here to visit after One Accord. A friends and I had jello and I opened a few presents. I didn't get much but my mom says that when ever I come home, I will have a party with my family. Party wasn't anything special and that was just fine with me.

On Friday I only went to my Chemistry class and then had to leave to go to Chicago at 12:30. It was a nice trip and Georganna and my mom were crazy the whole way down. Of course, I behaved myself completely. We ran into two traffic jams on the way and it ended up taking us like five hours to get to Chicago when it should have only taken three. Just wow, it was crazy but we made it in time for dinner and the evening assembly so that was good. I met my roommate for the weekend that day and she was very nice. Her name is Cara and she goes to Indiana University and is graduating this year. Next year she is going to seminary and she was great. We hit it off right away and we just enjoyed being in each others company. We were around each other almost all of the weekend and just had fun. We were at Jurisdiction for UMW and it was boring at times but it was a lot of fun at the same time too. It was great and I love the UMW ladies and the ladies from my conference especially. I got back Sunday and just was lazy.

That was my weekend. I can't wait to get to go home but that will not happen for one more weekend. Yes there is a Spring Formal this weekend and my friend has told me that I have to go because I haven't gone to a dance yet this year. Oh well I have the dress that I wore to prom last year and it will be good for the event. Going home will be so nice when I do on the tenth of April. Seeing Ransburg is going to be so nice. I miss it so much. Goodnight everyone.

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Okay guys so this week has just been kind of stupid and boring and just really stressful. I hate it. I want school to over right now because the classes I am taking right now just aren't that good.

It has just been a bad day today over all. Classes were just stupid and we didn't do anything. I really wanted to just sleep through all of my classes today but I am missing most of my classes on Friday to go to Chicago so I felt obligated to go to class because I was already missing class on Friday. I just love it when I put myself through a guilt trip it gets me everytime.

Yeah right now I don't know I don't care about anything and people are just pissing me off with like the little things. Maybe it is because I got only about three and a half hours of sleep last night because I have to write my paper what was due today in English. I keep telling myself that I will start my papers early but that just never happens. Oh well. I really just want to go to bed right now so I am out. Goodnight everyone

Sunday, March 21, 2004

Okay so I am back from my long weekend of complete silence, basically.

Thank you guys for all of your thoughts and comments about the changes. Personally I really don't know what to think. There really isn't enough time at lunch to have two lunches and still have time for hoppers to do their job and get to class on time. Think about it lunch will basically have to start at 12:00 or so with eating which means hoppers leave class thirty minutes early which means that they aren't going to get much out of their classes. Then lunch ends around 12:40 and the other group of hoppers come in around 12:50, if all the first hoppers are done. Then 1:20, if everything goes well, second lunch starts and then ends right at 2, that means that not only will counselors be late but so will campers and the hoppers will be about twenty minutes late or so to their next class. This schedule is only for a perfect world and for all of us staffers out there we know that this isn't not how it goes at camp. Meals always run over, hoppers sometimes have a harder time than other hoppers. The solution could be two hoppers at every table so that they could get things done twice as fast that is if the kitchen staff is doing everything that they should be doing. This could actually mean more work for the kitchen staff because they have to spend the time they would be doing dishes serving another meal. Could pose a definitely problem. And if we aren't getting Judy back then that means that it will be a new cook who doesn't know much about the camp and will already have their hands full with just getting use to camp itself. The other question is when is the best time for which staff to eat when. Yes the waterfront staff and any staff on Activity Road should eat first but can they get up to the dining hall in time. I don't know just thinking.

Okay so the Silent Retreat was okay. I had some trouble though because my silence at school is different to the silence that I experienced there. My silence here is never complete and is always interrupted by someone in the hall, TV, someone wants to talk, etc. At the retreat, I had my own separate room and was expected to keep silent. Yes during meals everyone was quiet and ate in silence and then silence through out the whole day. Silence scares me because what I am going through right now, I really don't want to know what God feels about how I am handling everything but I know that it is something that I need to hear. I found myself at times trying to find a way out of the silence but you know what I found that there was no escape. I find it amazing that when I am at school, I strive for silence and quiet but when I finally get it I become overwhelmed. It wasn't too much silence but after a while I just wanted to escape from it and talk to someone about what I was feeling. That wasn't possible though. I still talked some during the time because I just had to and really couldn't help myself. Whatever, think of it was you might but it is just too hard to explain.

Well just one last thought four days until my birthday. Am I excited? At the moment, not really but it will be okay. I am not going to do anything fancy or big because I just don't want to. 19, eh, no big deal. Oh yeah and does anyone know who my director is I really just want to know? Oh well goodnight everyone.

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

I don't know if you guys know what may be coming this summer that is different but I definitely do...I love my daddy sometimes, actually I love him all the time but he gets me all of my information. So tell what you guys think about what they might be doing at camp this year. They are all about the dining hall.

1. They are going to be having two different meal times for every meal. They will have half the scouts, all in the same troops, go at one time plus half the staff and then the other half will go at the second time.

2. They might move the serving of food to buffet style.

Tell me what you think!!!!

Hello everyone! Well I changed my mind again and I am going to go see the Passion with John and Jessi on April 1 and I am very excited. It will be nice going with them and not my mom (you guys all know about my mom, I would hope). Anyway, it will be good to see them and go see that movie with them and maybe have a little discussion. I have to read the bible story some time soon so that I am familiar with it and will know how accurate the story is. I hear that it is pretty accurate but we will see.

So much stuff is going on around here. I took a two and a half hour nap yesterday how cool is that. I felt a lot better and actually made it through my night class because of that nap. Then I went to bed at 11:00 last night, what is up with me really. I am usually up until like three but you know I was really tired last night and my roommate are going to start going to bed at eleven more often so that we feel better the next day. I think that I am getting sick right now so it is good that I am going to bed earlier so that I will feel better soon.

Homework is kind of taking over my life right now because I have lots of papers to write and tests coming up and everything. You have got to love life after break, NOT!!!! Things will get better soon hopefully but I doubt it because we only have one more month until we are done with classes. It is craziness but I can not wait for this year to be over so that I can go back to Ransburg and enjoy this summer.

Does anyone know who my director is? I really want to know. I am not sure if maybe I should email Matt and ask him or what. I need some advice. If you know who my director, please tell me. It will be a great summer, I know it, and this summer I am going to work to be a better staff member because I know that I can be better. Who can't really? There is always something that you can make better and change. Think about that as you come into a new season of campers. How can you be a better staff member?

Well that is it from here in wonderful Indianapolis, where it is snowing yet again. I don't know about this weather. I hate walking in the snow because it is cold and the sidewalks are all slick so I feel like I am going to fall on my butt but oh well that's life. Have a great day everyone!!!!

Monday, March 15, 2004

Too much crap to go through, seriously. I am at the point of forgiveness too bad I can't talk to my uncle for four years because my family has a restraining order against him but that is okay. I have forgiven him but I don't know if I ever really want to see him again. I know that my parents will never let me or my sister go over to my aunt and uncle's house without one or both of them with us. So there is some more information for you. Keep my family in your prayers as always because they are much needed. I would like to thank all of you that have dealt with me.

You guys amaze me and you guys listen so well when I really need it most. Don't forget though that I will listen to you too but it is good that some of you out there understand that right now I just need someone to talk to. I feel like usually I put others before myself and that is why I am at the state that I am at. That isn't all of it but most of the reason is because I want everyone else to be happy before I will actually be happy. Yeah I can laugh and be happy at point but really for the past four years I am been pretty miserable. You guys probably didn't notice because I got very good at acting happy. That is going to change though because for once in my life I really just want me myself to be happy. It will take time but I know that I can do it.

Okay so yeah first day back to school and I really am not liking it all that much. Spring Break just went by really fast and I don't even know what happened to the time. I think also that I have come to the decision that I don't want to see The Passion. I don't know, I think that right now I understand what happened and how it happened and I hate violence and blood. All of that is necessary for the movie and should be in it but I just don't want to see it. I know that it happened and how it happened and that is really all that I think I really need to know. Watching the movie I don't think will do anything for me except make me cry and I have been doing plenty of that on my own these past three months so I don't need to go to a movie to cry.

Anyway I hope that everyone had a great day. I may write more later but I doubt it.

Tuesday, March 09, 2004

Hey everyone. Oh wow it is great to be home and get to see my family. I love actually getting a break but I know that I have a lot to do over this break so that I will be back up to speed when I get back to school. Will I do it though? I doubt it but it is worth a try and I have all the stuff here to do it. You know I have papers to write and tests coming up but oh well I know it will get done. No worries in that department. The homework always gets done so really I have stopped worrying about it.

Let's see what have I done sense I got home. On Friday I went to the North vs. South basketball game at Sectionals and North won!!!! Then on Saturday they won the Sectional Championship against East Central, which means they are going on to Regionals this weekend but I can't go because they are in Seymour and I would have to stay there all day and I really don't want to do that. Oh well I am sure that they will do great. On Sunday I went to church and then watched kids in the evening at the church and just had fun playing with the kids. Yesterday I slept in really late and then went for a walk with my mom and we had a nice talk about everything. And yes it was about staff and for all you girls out there im me and I will tell you what it was about and if you guys really want to know you can im me too but really I don't want to post it on here. Oh well, if you really want to know and have that desire you will im me or email me. Anyway then last night I went to see a late movie with my mom, Cheaper by the Dozen and we didn't mind just spending two dollars to see it but it was okay. Today I got up early to go see the doctor and get my physical done and then went to help cater a lunch at my church. It was kind of fun and then I came home and my mom and I went for a walk again and had another talk at least this time it wasn't about staff, it was about me and how I am doing.

Right now, to let you know, I am doing fine. I think getting away school and seeing my family is helping me and I can feel myself getting better. I will not lie though and say that everything is great and that I am all the way happy because I know that I am not and I would lying to myself if I thought that I was. Anyway that situation is getting better and I am getting closer to the point of forgiveness but I know that I will never forget. I know that I am being vague but not all of you need to know what is going on and some of you I know wouldn't believe me. I will tell some of you at some time because I know that you won't tell anyone and will just be there to support me and right now that is really all that I need.

Okay long post I know but oh well just a lot on my mind tonight. Goodnight everyone.

Friday, March 05, 2004

Oh it has actually been a lovely day but can you believe that wind today it is unbelievable.

I was up really late last night doing my paper and talking to people. Oh hey thanks John for listening to me last night when I need someone. Remember that I will return the favor someday and that you can talk to me whenever you need to as well. Yeah so I am kind of tired right now but at least I didn't pull an all nighter like I thought I would. The paper just went the direction I wanted it to and went really well.

Well that is about it for today. My amazing roommate sent me an email yesterday with the list below on it. Of course as you know me I cried after I read it. My roommate is so awesome and she makes me feel better go figure.

1. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
2. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
3. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
4. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.
5. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
6. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
7. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.
8. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to begrateful.
9. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
10. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
11. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
12. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.


REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

I may write more later but I don't know. I hope that everyone had a wonderful day today!!!!! Keep your chin up and take on the day!!

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

Why hey there everyone. It was a beautiful day today except for the sun that came later this evening but all in all a very exciting day. I had classes and they were all really long. I have a paper due for English on Friday and guess what I haven't even started it. Oh well it will get done and at least I am doing the research that I need to do for it.

I had a very moving conversation with someone today. It got me thinking. I seriously don't know why I torture myself. I keep thinking that I will get back the person that I love, or loved, but I now know that will never happen. You know who you are and you know what, you hurt me about a year ago. You will never be able to understand the depth of that hurt or just how much I loved you. It is beyond your understanding how much I gave up to be with you and how vulnerable I made myself because of that love. Then what did you do, you betrayed that trust and when I was most vulnerable took my heart cut it into little pieces and stomped all over them. I don't know when my heart will mend and it probably never will. The love that I had, and still have somedays, for you is always going to be there, whether I want to recognize it or not. I don't know why I still love you, that is just how I am. I get close to people and even the people that hurt me I try to forgive. I haven't forgiven you yet and it will take some time. I don't know why I care but it is my personality and caring for others just makes me happy so I do it. Just remember that no matter what I don't hate you, just right now I am so mad that for so many years you lied to me about why you left and expected me to believe you. I was naive though and believed you and just hoped that you would come back to me again. In ways I am glad that you didn't because I would taken you back. That would have put in a position to be hurt by you again. I am glad that I listened to my friends and never expressed my real feelings for you after you dumped me. I want you to know that I am moving on and some point will have pasted this point in my life. I will never forget though and I don't want to forget so that I will not make the same mistake again. There will be a scar on heart from where you hurt me and it will remind me of what you did to me. I wish that I could say that I don't love you anymore but really I can't but I realize that I must move on and I am going to. The best thing for me is that I am now growing closer to the One that will never leave and will love me unconditionally. Though I may turn away and deny the love, God will never stop loving me and that is so wonderful to know.

Okay guys sorry that you have to read that if you did but I really just needed to write about that tonight. I hope that everyone has a wonderful evening. May God bless!

Monday, March 01, 2004

Well what a day. I had classes of course but I also did a lot of stuff after that too. I went to chapel prayer after class and got to lead which was very cool. It is nice to be around people here who see me as a good leader. It makes me feel very good. I then went to dinner and hung out at the dorm for awhile to do some homework. I then went to a service at nine called The Way of the Cross. In this service you walk to different stations that reflect on what happened on the road to Calvary for Jesus. It was very powerful. We got to keep the booklet so I think I may show it to my pastor at home and see if he likes it. Maybe some year our church will do it.

I then called my mom when I got home. It was nice to talk to her and just hear about what is going on at home. My sister is fishing for something right now but mom says she wants to talk to me this weekend about it so that I can help her convince mom and dad to let her. I don't know what to think, I just know that whatever it is I do not want to be in the middle of it. This spring break I am not doing anything so I will probably just try to catch up on my studies. I have Bs in all my classes right and it really does reflect the amount of time that I have devoted to my studies. Right now I am forcing also on my emotional level and just being right within myself. Studies aren't at the point that I am failing but I just know that I could be doing better.

What a great day today was. It couldn't have been better and today for the first time in about a year or so I genuinely happy. I wasn't faking it I really was happy. I couldn't believe it but it is a step in the right direction. Right now I know that God wants me to give up this burden that I have to Him but right now it is just so hard. I will be praying for the courage and strength to just let it go. May you all have a blessed evening.

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