Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Okay so I'm ranting today...nothing sweet from me.

Why do people love me? I really just don't understand. How can anyone love me? I guess I ask these because I don't love myself at all. How can anyone love me when I don't even love myself and really have no respect for myself? I can love other people but why not myself?

It has been a long day and a day full of questioning whether the person I make myself out to be is really the person that I am. Am I really the person that is happy a lot? No, not really. Actually most of the time I'm miserable and just don't want other people to know that. This semester has shown me that everyone may think I'm a good student but really I'm not. This semester is kicking my butt and it is because I haven't really been in the right gear for college the past two years. I am horrible at all that I do now and I really just don't know what is happening. Everything that I thought was so clear for my life just isn't clear anymore. Do I really want to be an elementary school teacher? Will I be good at it? Is it worth all of these tear-filled nights of frustration and anger? I don't know right now and really I just seem to be making the lives of those around me more stressful. At least I think I am. Or, if I was one of my friends, I would want to strangle me because all I do is complain it seems.

Why does life have to be so hard? Not that I want it easy but why not give me a break now and then. That means not screwing me over when I take the break though. My literacy test today went horribly and a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. All of my classes are just harder than I ever thought it could be. A paper due everyday in one class, student of the day here, and then add on all the reading and tests and quizes and you have just got one stressed out Victoria.

Well I'm done now....really just don't try to make me feel better.....this is something that I have to figure out on my own.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Okay so let's see... I didn't have any classes on Friday so I woke up early to do laundry and start my homework. I ended up only getting on of my five chapters read on Friday which wasn't good but that's okay. Then I went to a meeting early on Saturday. It was at 9:00 and I had to be there early because I was in charge of registration. I ended up waking up at 6am with the help of someone that called me to make sure that I was up. I planned on coming back and going straight to the books but I got on line and chatted and then took a nap. Had a hard evening because Brian was upset and basically complaining to me about everything. Which is fine but it felt like he was blaming me for everything.

Sunday didn't get much better. I slept in until 12pm and then didn't do homework then either. I guess I have just been very unmotivated. Then I talked to Brian and I got mad because he said some things that really hit hard for me and can just make me really upset. The more you get to know me, or anyone for that matter, the more you know about their buttons but this was a button that Brian hadn't seen before. I don't know what is wrong with me but right now it just seems that I am very hurtful a lot. I don't know why I do it but I guess it is an insecurity within myself. If you ever figure it out, let me know. Anyway so I just feel like a bad person right now and like I wish that I could make it alright but I know I can't. What is said is said and can never be changed even if I want it to be. Things seem to better now, after lots of tears and much longing for a loving touch. I just want someone like my mom to be close so that I can go to her when I need a hug but sadly I lack that luxury. You really don't know how much your family really means to you until that one day when you need a hug from your mom and she isn't there to give you one. That is where I am right now. For those of you still at home, take advantage of all the opportunities to be with your parents and build a relationship. Make things right because they will be the people that are always there for you even when your friends aren't.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Okay so I have been busy but that is what happens when you have a lot to do. Here is what has been going on.

Last week was really long and just boring classes. I went to a SEA (Student Education Association) meeting and I think that I am going to join. It is $37 but I get insured as a teacher for up to one million dollars if there is a lawsuit so I think that it is worth it. I got my first experience of trying to teach and read to kindergarteners. It wasn't easy but my kids were great. They can all write their names of course and their drawings were wonderful that went with the story. One of the little girls even gave me a hug and she had only seen me one time before that. They are so precious.

This week was probably just as boring. We did a mock case conference for an IEP in my mild disabilities class. I was the parent so that was fun because I got to yell at all of the other people at the meeting because I didn't agree with them. At an IEP meeting, the parent has the most power too so that was fun. An IEP is the document that says what a child with disabilities needs when it comes to extra help or even what they are good at. I did another lesson with my kindergarteners and this time I played a game with them. It was to see if they knew their colors. They had to match the flower color to the appropriate color name. The kids had a lot of fun with it and played it two times before we ran out of time. I am starting to learn more about the kids and found out that most of my kids don't even know all of their alphabet but I will try and help the teacher by working on that for the next two weeks with I am with them. Then I move on to first grade. I am so excited to get all of these opportunities to work with kids and figure out lesson plans.

I got a package today and it had an electric blanket in it. I am so excited because my feet get cold real easy especially at night. Thank you Brian for the very thoughtful gift. I have homework that I need to get to. I have to read about 200 pages this weekend so I need to get started. I don't have any classes tomorrow so I have all day. Have a great weekend and I will try to be better about updating...

Monday, September 05, 2005

Okay so for those of you that don't know I am now in a new relationship. I am now dating Brian, so for all of you that thought we were dating during the summer, you were wrong, but now you are right. For those of you that saw us dating in the future, I guess the future is now. I am still trying to figure out why a lot of people think that you are dating someone when they are just one of your really good friends. If someone would like to explain that to me, that would be fabulous. So any rumors that you heard about me and Brian from this summer, let me be the one to tell you that they weren't true. Yeah he and I talked a lot but who doesn't talked to their friend a lot. And that is all that I am going to say about that subject.

Anyway, school is going okay. I am only in five classes but it is 17 credit hours and I am definitely doing the full 34 hours of homework outside of class if not more, which kind of stinks but that's okay. Let's see, here is the schedule for this semester:


Teaching Math in the Primary Grades (10-11)


Teaching Learners with Mild Disabilities and Field Experience (7:30-10:00)
Literacy in the Primary Grades and Field Experience (10:30-1:30)
Social and Political Context (5:45-8:35)


Teaching Math in the Primary Grades (10-11)
Curriculum and Methods for the Young Child (5-8)


Teaching Learners with Mild Disabilities and Field Experience (7:30-10:00)
Literacy in the Primary Grades and Field Experience (10:30-1:30)



Okay so Mondays and Fridays are pretty easy but my Tuesdays and Thursday really stink. I am really hating those days already and it has only been one week. What is cool about my classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays, though, is that the classes are actually at elementary schools in Decatur Township so we get a lot of experience with kids in the school. We will be learning things for the class and then actually putting those skills that we learn to work in the field. I think that it will be really awesome and it really excites me a lot. There is a lot of work though and I worked most of this weekend to get all of my reading and papers done and I still have more to do, so as you can tell I am procrastinating right now.

My roommates are awesome and I think that they are going to be the people that keep me sane this semester. We shall but I want to thank my roommates for being there for me and of course producing the laughs that essential for everyday!!! Love you girls!!! Have a great week everyone!!!

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